I carry you in my heart

God gave us a miracle that night of April 21, 2013, at 10:33pm, a glorious Sunday. The Lord affirmed that we are a complete family, always and forever. We were all at Papa's bedside as he breathed his last. We each promised that we will always be together in our hearts, and that the memories and milestones will never stop. I thanked Papa and told him I was proud to be his daughter. And even if I know these things would happen over and over again, I would still choose him to be my father.

Thank you to all that prayed with us and fought with us in this short albeit meaningful battle. Papa is now free from cancer and resting in our Savior's arms. Yes we still got our miracle, we have defeated cancer. It can no longer harm him and most specially it did not take away his soul.
 
His wake and funeral was a breeze and a blur. With the multitude of people who paid their final respects, all I could think of was a man who truly made a difference in this world. And the Lord did repay him for his goodness, He welcomed him immediately into His kingdom and loving arms. Nothing could be more awe-inspiring than seeing his body, facing the Lord of Divine Mercy, embracing him.

 
To those who paid their final respects, extended their prayers and support, I thank you on behalf of our family for the outpouring love we felt during this difficult time. Thank you again family, friends and co-workers and all those whom we don't even personally know, whose lives were touched by Papa in one way or another. God bless you all.

As for our family, we are still in the process of grieving and acceptance. For me I know it will never be the same again. I ask Papa everyday for a sign, a dream or to feel his presence, but so far none. It may as well be an indication that He is already at peace with the Lord. Papa, this poem is for you. I love you with all my heart. It's enough for me to know you are there.

I carry you in my heart (inspired by E.E. Cummings' poem "I carry your heart with me")

I carry you in my heart 

I am never without you

Anywhere I go you are with me

Whatever I do, whatever I say, you will always be there to support me

I fear no fate for you are already there

I want no other world (for beautiful is the world our Lord has prepared for us)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant (a beacon through my darkest times)

and whatever a sun will always sing is you (a ray of cheer through my triumphs)


Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
I am your daughter, I came from your heart

and always and forever, I carry you in my heart.

Lord You know better than I

It's been a while since I've written a post. How can I when I'm in the middle of a family crisis? With my dad's health poorly deteriorating, how can I even do what I love, which is writing. But this online journal has already been a log of my adversities and triumphs, and I feel so much better when I look back at the trials that I overcame and made me stronger.

Seeing Papa yesterday in the ICU with all those tubes inserted in his frail body, brought me back again to the time I gave birth to R and almost lost her. She stayed in the neonatal ICU for 5 days, and another 5 days in the Level 2 nursery before we were able to take her home. Like my father, she had to be intubated under respirator since she contacted neonatal pneumonia. Antibiotics and IV feed were passed through tubes to her navel.

Whenever people would come visit my dad and say that's inhumane treatment (passing tubes to his body), I just look back at the days when R was also fighting for her life. Nothing could be more painful than seeing your newborn daughter in such poor state and couldn't even let out a cry because of those tubes in her mouth. But God is merciful. When you feel like almost all hope is gone, and you have nothing to hold on to but faith, that's when miracles truly happen. Look at my healthy and active daughter now.

I don't know what will happen to Papa in the coming hours or days, but just like before with R, all I know is that God is already there. Just as my husband has reiterated many times "what our eyes can't see, our faith will". Even with the tiny sliver of hope remaining, I'm just putting all my trust in Him. He knows better than I.

This song just sums up all the emotions I'm feeling right now. I can't help but cry whenever I listen to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=L-DhISwiIVU&feature=endscreen

You Know Better Than I (from the movie Joseph King of Dreams)

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

 You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I
If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing
I don't know is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing i can do
Is to put my trust in You.
  

 For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

 I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If i let You reach me
Will You teach me.

 For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I

South Korea - Day 2 of Daddy A's adventure

The following day, they first toured the famous Changdeokgung Palace. Well eto lang naman ang sikat na palace sa Jewel in the Palace. It was added to the UNESCO world heritage list in 1997. Changdeokgung literally means "Prospering Virtue Palace". It  is is one of the "Five Grand Palaces" built by the kings of the Joseon Dynasty (1392–1897) and set within a large park in Jongno-gu, Seoul, South Korea.

It was raining that day. Nevertheless, it didn't stop them from capturing these beautiful scenes.

Their next stop was the DongHwang Korean Ginseng Center.  Korean Ginseng helps clean the blood, balances metabolism, strengthens resistance to stress and strain, helps stop cancer and rejuvenates the body. Abay kelangan ko pala nito, bat di mo ko binili Daddy A?

Afterwards, they went to the Amethyst factory. No pictures inside daw kaya eto nalang.

Mahalia daw sabi ni Daddy A, so no amethyst for me. Oo na, madami na kayong amethyst at di namin afford. Ipagduldulan ba? Hehe

Next stop - Kimchi making!

Daddy A's finished product. Jang Geum would be so proud of you.

 

Then they were able to try on an authentic Hanbok:

The royal family

 

Hangkyut mo Daddy A para kang si King Gunggong este King Joong Jong

Afterwards, they went to the National Museum of Korea in Yongsan.

Exhibition hall

 

Wikipedia: This fifth-century Silla gold crown was excavated from the North tomb of Hwangnamdaechong in Gyeongju. In the North tomb, more ornaments including a silver belt ornament with an inscription of 'Buindae(the meaning of Madame's belt)' were found than in the South tomb. In this sense, this North tomb can be presumed to have belonged to a woman. A gold crown indicates the owner's political and social class.

 

Wikipedia: The "Gyeongcheonsa Ten-Story Pagoda" was originally erected at the monastery Gyeongcheonsa in the fourth year (1348) of King Chungmok of Goryeo. In 1907, it was illegally smuggled to Japan by a Japanese court official, but was returned in 1918 at the behest of British and American journalists, E. Bethell and H. Hulbert

For their last stop for the day, they took a cable car to the Teddy Bear Museum in the N-Seoul Tower. Unfortunately dito na naubusan ng battery ang DSLR.

www.visitkorea.or.kr - The Teddy Bear Museum N Seoul Tower shows exhibits that chronicle the history of Seoul from past to present through the use of teddy bears. It is an amusing and innovative way for visitors to see how Seoul has changed and developed over time both as the capital of Korea and as an international city. Teddy bears are posed in scenes recreating historic events as well as various aspects of Seoul life.

Hang saya-saya noh?! Watch out for Day 3.

South Korea - Day 1 of Daddy A's adventure

To start off with my travel posts, I will write about Daddy A's most recent trip out of the country to the beautiful land of Seoul, South Korea, nasabi ko narin yan dito at dito.

Kabang-kaba lang naman ako nung Day 1 at hindi pa kasi ko nakakatanggap ng text, tawag or email. Buti nalang bago ko manawagan sa TV o sa DFA, (nakatunog ata si Daddy A sa kapraningan ko) I was able to receive a text message from him that he arrived safely and there's nothing to worry about. So enough of my kaba, let's just tour this beautiful land. Allow me to photo blog.

My husband is so lucky to have seen already the top 3 airports in the world.  Ako ung 2nd and 3rd placers pa lang.

And here he is at 2012's number 1 - Incheon International Airport:

Bus ride scene to their first stop:

Since this is an academic visit, their first stop was the Kyung Hee University, located in Dongdaemun-gu. It ranks between the top 400-500 in the Academic Ranking of Worldwide Universities.

The beautiful campus grounds:

They checked-in at the Seoul Royal Hotel in Myeongdong, it was very accessible to shops and the church (which Daddy A loves). Their room and bathroom was quite small but very neat and modern.

Watch out for Day 2, that's where the scenic tours begin.

My Patron St. Therese of the Child Jesus

 "I feel that my mission is about to begin, my mission to make God loved as I love Him, to teach souls my little way. It is a way of spiritual childhood, the way of trust and absolute surrender." - St. Therese of the Child Jesus

One of my biggest dreams to finally see the relic of my favorite saint has come true. And it came at a time I really need it the most.

From the hospital, last Thursday, sumaglit kami ni Daddy A sa Sta. Maria de la Strada Parish to see the relic of St. Therese of the Child Jesus. We learned about the 3rd visit of the relics of St. Therese to the Philippines via Daddy A's bestfriend and R's ninong T. We met him there in the afternoon.

I was teary-eyed and awed as I approached her relic.

Like I said in my previous posts, andami kong answered prayers through her intercession. I came to know about this miraculous saint and wonder worker when I was in elementary. My grade school teacher shared to us everything about her and how you'll come to know that your prayers are answered. The sign is a rose. You'll just see a rose or roses in any form, in any place. One story that she had is she even saw a single rose placed on top of a shelf of books in National Bookstore.

I myself experienced her signs too, and talagang kikilabutan ka when you see them. You'll just know right then and there that your prayer was answered by God. Just a few examples of my biggest answered prayers:

1. Pass the board exams
2. Si Daddy A - opo pinag novena ko siya hihi
3. Papa's healing in 2009
4. R's survival when I gave birth to her in 2010 (I'll write how her life was in danger in my delivery day post)

When I read her life story through the book "A Story of a Soul", what I immediately liked most about her is that you don't have to be some hero or perform some big task to be a saint. This is what her "little way" calls us to do. Just do God's work out of your love for Him and offer our daily tasks/chores. In God's eyes, even our "nothingness" means a lot to Him as long as we give Him our best every day.

Pwede pala talagang maging santo ang kahit kanino sa atin. Even if you're a simple househelp, a driver, an engineer, a CPA, at kahit ano ka pa man, just by doing your duties out of sheer love for our God and offering your sufferings for the sake of others, you can be a saint.

So let me share to you the prayers to St. Therese so you yourselves can experience what I did.

Novena Rose Prayer

24 Glory Be Novena, in thanksgiving for the 24 years of her earthly life

 

 And if you could also squeeze in a petition for the complete healing of my father, it would be very much appreciated.

I dream of flying again

With so many things happening in my life right now, I just dream of flying again to some land where I could just explore and be awed at beautiful places. Experience different cultures and traditions, savor their flavors and colors, and share precious memories with my loved ones.

I intended April to be my month of travel posts since most of us vacation around this time. But with so many things keeping me preoccupied I haven't started with any yet. Hopefully I can squeeze in some time this month to write about these beautiful places. Here are the trips I plan to write about:

It's more fun in the Philippines:

1. Boracay 
2. Palawan
3. Bohol
4. Ilocos
5. Tagaytay

Amazing Asia:

1. Hong Kong
2. Macau
3. Singapore
4. Malaysia
5. South Korea

It may take long before I could travel again, but reminiscing on these beautiful places that me and my loved ones once experienced would make me look forward to travelling again in the future.

Cancer is limited

Oh how I've been holding off this post for a long time. I said to myself this blog will be filled with light stories,  feel good posts and lots and lots of positivity. But how can you radiate positivity when you yourself are in the midst of adversity, when it seems all hope is gone and you are desperately in need of a miracle? Then again, how can I also be true to myself, if I don't share this post to you. How can Lei truly love life if she doesn't accept even the hardships that come its way?

So now I bravely post this entry. Let me tell you about my family's journey with cancer and how it has affected our lives.

I've always been aware of our family's history of cancer from my father's side. My paternal grandfather died of cancer of the lungs in 1995. Then my dad's eldest brother died of stage 4 liver cancer after 4 months from initial diagnosis in 2005. After just two years, my dear aunt (next to my dad in birth order) was diagnosed with liver cancer as well and after just 8 months from diagnosis, succumbed to it. Another aunt (older sister of my dad), has cancer of the thyroid and is fortunately thriving and battling this disease. Just last November, another uncle (third to the eldest) was diagnosed with a tumor in his lungs and died. And lately, another uncle (second to the eldest) was diagnosed with tumors surrounding his neck.

It was heart crushing seeing them go one by one, most specially for my dad who took care of our relatives 'til their dying days. He himself said once, that he has accepted his family's fate and that he too one day may not be spared from that dreaded disease.

The first diagnosis

And so that day came. In February of 2009, Papa showed us a huge lump at the side of his neck. He thought it might be because of his aching tooth. The dentist prescribed antibiotics but still the swelling did not subside. He also complained of severe sinusitis and clogged nose. We all decided that he be checked by an E.N.T. Tests were conducted and exactly on his 57th birthday, we got the results. He has Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. My mom cried. I tried to be strong and assured her that we would get through this. I didn't know why but back then I had such a strong spirit and conviction that Papa will survive this. I was already engaged then and set to be married in December. All I hoped for was for Papa to walk me down the aisle.

Road to healing

Again, like in my previous posts, I've always tried to look for the good in the bad, be grateful inspite of trials, be accepting instead of questioning, and loving instead of hating. So I did all I could in my power to help my family through this. Further, this pulled the whole family together, we all matured, we all did everything we could, we stood together as one.

I researched in general about cancer and Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, the various treatments and cure (naturopathy, Western medicine). We changed our family's diet. I did the groceries and bought more organic and alkaline rich foods. We followed the doctor's orders to the dot. We went for the very latest and expensive targeted treatment combined with the regular chemotherapy even if it meant being buried in debt and selling some of our possessions. I even used my wedding funds and just made do with whatever Daddy A and I had left for our wedding back then.

Most important of all we stormed heaven for prayers. Every chemotherapy session, we would start a prayer brigade. We also prayed everyday as a whole family (this is what really brought us closer together). At night we would pray:
Fr. Fernando Suarez's healing video
The Holy Rosary
The Prayer of St. Peregrine
The Divine Mercy prayer or the chaplet
Prayer to St. Therese of the Child Jesus

We were also lucky that Fr. Fernando Suarez visited a church in our village to conduct a healing mass. Papa felt healing from God right after Fr. Fernando touched him. He was able to walk easily back home. And after  just one chemotherapy session, tests showed that the nodules/tumors in his neck and nose disappeared.

I made Papa a vision board as well. I wrote down there milestones for him to witness and achieve. And just like my own vision board, a lot of them were accomplished.

Witness my wedding in December 2009

His first apo R

His 60th birthday

Various holidays (this was taken just last New Year)

Various trips/outings (this was taken last December in Ilocos)

Papa's cancer has now metastasized just after barely 4 years. It has now affected his brain and it's heartbreaking to see his weary body deteriorating everyday. More than ever, we still believe in miracles. Whether it be healing or acceptance, we trust in God's great love and mercy.

And the list of milestones and memories goes on. It will never stop. Because:

Cancer is limited ...

It cannot cripple love,

It cannot shatter hope,

It cannot corrode faith,

It cannot eat away peace,

It cannot destroy confidence,

It cannot shut out memories

It cannot silence courage,

It cannot invade the soul,

It cannot reduce eternal life,

It cannot quench the spirit,

It cannot lessen the power

of the Resurrection.

(Poem taken from the web)

Why we love Kindermusik with Teacher Suzette and friends

Yesterday, R started her summer classes at Kindermusik. It was about a year ago when I first enrolled her in their Our Time program. R was just 1 year and 7 months old that time. Since then, I've seen my daughter progress in all aspects of child development: physical, social, emotional, musical, cognitive and language.

I came to know about Kindermusik by perusing various blogs in search for a program for my toddler that doesn't put pressure early on in terms of formal or traditional education. Instead it should be fun and seemed just like play. I then contacted Teacher Suzette and she allowed us to sit-in in one of her classes. Right then and there I knew this was what I was looking for. I never thought that babies as young as 7 months old could already socialize with each other and interact with their environment. Whereas toddlers could already pack away toys and follow instructions and movements easily. Apart from that, there was something about Teacher Suzette that draws the children to her (akin to the Pied Piper), she has this calm and soothing voice that children are inclined to follow her. In between sessions, she also gives parents useful tips on how to encourage learning development.

Here are some of our key takeaways from Kindermusik classes:
1)  Sharing and creativity - R gets to interact with other children and learns the concept of sharing by trading musical instruments. Also, there's no right or wrong way of playing with an instrument or toy, Teacher Suzette lets the kids initiate how they want to play with it.

2) Imaginative/symbolic play - This is substituting one object for another. It helps in language development as we can represent certain items like a scarf for the movements of a butterfly or pancakes tossed up in the air, a hula hoop for a steering wheel, and the list goes on. They even teach counting early on, with the use of little sea shells (akin to Singapore math).

 

3) Sensory development - R loved her first module "I Like The Beach". They got to splash in the water and play in the sand.

4) Rocking/quiet time - Teacher Suzette emphasizes the importance of quiet time. It's for the kids to process their learnings and gives them time to calm down and rest. We do this through cuddling, cradling, or blowing bubbles (which R super loves).

5) Everything in its proper place - This is what tops my list (hihi). As early as 1 1/2 years old, R learned how to pack away her toys. Once she hears the song "Let's all pack away..." it's as if she's in a trance and puts back everything where they came from.

Here are some other pictures why we love Kindermusik:

One of R's favorites: the parachute and tossing beach balls on it

 Their colorful maypole

Story time

 R's favorite: Teacher Suzette

Much has been said about music and learning, such as the Mozart effect. Even OB Gynecologists encourage mothers to have their babies in utero listen to classical music. I truly believe in this and have seen it personally through my daughter's progress.

What I love most about Kindermusik is that it cultivated my daughter's love for music, specially coming from a musical family from my mother's side. R loves singing and dancing. Give her a microphone or some dancy tune and she'll wow you like a pro. See video below:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151457316598516&l=4176747750137687614

For more information on Kindermusik, please go to this link in Facebook:
We love Kindermusik with Teacher Suzette and friends

And you'll see why =)